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Tuesday, May 17, 2016
A Father's Wish
This story appeared on my Facebook feed this afternoon. My heart goes out to this family. But first and foremost I was shocked to see this couple were battling the ugly court system from a different country! I am in the United States, I never thought fathers from outside the US would be experiencing the same crap as my husband and I are.
I initially saw the picture of this woman's husband, naked, and sitting in the shower. I had to double take to really understand why there was a naked man in my feed, and then figure out who posted this. The post was shared from The Father's Rights Movement. An amazing cause that is here to help fathers get rights to their children. They are helping change the courts view of fathers during custody battles.
Which brought me to reading this woman's post. It made my stomach churn. Her husband is not the only man who has cried and felt completely broken or defeated by the Superior Court system. I have watched my husband struggle with blood, sweat, and tears throughout this now 4 year long battle.
This is my Husband. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. They say innocent until proven guilty. They say it will be ok. They say don't give up, things will get better. They say trust us we will protect you and defend you. They say you have done nothing wrong and we'll make sure you name will be cleared...
But yet here we are. A wife who has no idea what to do or to say, who has to watch this happen, who has to watch him suffer and sit in the shower like this day in and day out.
For those of you who don't know my husband has been fighting for 14months just to see his daughter. This past 14months have been some of the worst in my husband's and my life. it has honestly been one shit fight after another. Facts and truths clouded by lies and misjudgments. By false allegations and any other bullshit the "concerned" mother of his child saw fit to use against him. All of this is to make him suffer. "Why would she want to do this?" You ask.. because she is jealous. Because she wanted he to go back to her. She wanted to be able to continue to milk everything she possibly could from him including money, accommodation, transport, children, ect. But NO. He moved on and is happy, so she got nasty.
This is where I can relate. My husband's ex is very jealous. I don't want to act like I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I am everything she wish she was. Yes, I am married to an amazing man. One who wouldn't tolerate her verbal abuse any longer so he left her. She is so bitter, ugly, and nasty, that she drags us to court over petty crap. Crap that can and SHOULD be resolved between parents to have effective co-parenting relationships. She refuses because she wants him to pay, she wants my husband to pay for her "hurt". The "hurt" she inflicted on herself.
WHY IS THIS OK? Why is it ok that this gentle giant now has to suffer until his child is old enough to make her own decisions and judgments? Why is it ok for his entire past, present and future to be dragged through this for no actual reason than to try and use his insecurities and difficult family against him? Why is it ok for him to have to pay $$$$$$ for lawyers, fees, expert reports, independent supervisors ect but she receives everything through aid? Why is it ok for him to have NO say in his own child's life? Why is it ok for him not to be allowed to be alone with his child? Why is it ok he can't seek any counseling, medical treatment or any other sort of service to help him and us without the fear of it being used against him?
In our case, my husband has residential time with his children. He has decision making ability, yet the mother does not consult with him prior to decisions being made. She likes to really live up the "single mother" motto. Except, she is not a single mother. She is a single woman. Those kids have their father, yet are being alienated by her own selfishness. They have been convinced to hate their step-mother.
We have paid a ridiculous amount in attorney's fees. We struggle to provide food for the children we have in common due to his obnoxious support amount and attorney's fees. She gets offended when we say we are struggling, because she is so money hungry she cannot see the damage her greed is causing. It has caused my husband to seek less time with his children to help lower the conflict and to allow him the time he needs to pick up overtime shifts to help provide for our household and of course support her and her children.
I wouldn't be surprised if his ex was on state assistance. She has committed fraud multiple times. If it comes to having money in her pocket, this woman will go to great lengths to accomplish this.
What's so so sad about my husband's ex, is that she cannot perceve her actions as being detrimental to anyone. She truely believes she is a gift from the man upstairs. Money is also not the key to anything. She can take every cent we have. She can push us into foreclosure, but she will not break us! She will not cause us to divorce. What she has done, and I am very thankful for, is that she has taught me that being with the ones you love is 10x more important than monetary things. I have learned to be strong. I have learned to be a better wife and mother. So I actually thank her.
Seriously (excuse the language) but WHAT THE [REMOVED]?!!!.
It's bad enough that his parents showed their true colours last year and told him to [removed] off because he didn't fit in their perfect little box (and neither should he have to I might add) but now he may have lost his daughter.
My husband's family and my family just don't understand. I'll leave it at that. No one really understands unless they have experienced it.
This just proved that no matter how hard you fight, how hard you cry, how honest you are, how much money you have and how much you love your children, there will always be someone ready to take it all away from you just because they can.
He is not a criminal. He has no previous history of anything violent or abuse related. He is not hiding anything besides his years because I know he is trying to be strong. How much more of our life can they tear apart, examine and take away before they realize we aren't monsters. We aren't bad people and we sure as hell aren't criminals.
But that's ok because the system, lawyers and others seems to believe that even after all investigations have been completed and they have exhausted all other options for trying to pin him for something he didn't do, they can make their own rules and still use the allegations against him because the mother has "concerns".
Not one person at that meeting yesterday asked us how we were feeling. Not one person asked us how this was affecting us or gave us any sort of support. Not one person stood up for us or defended us. Not even out own representative. I don't know why but that's exactly what happened.
My husband and I are not criminals either. We are very good people. We volunteer, we are college graduates, and we continue to strive for greatness. But for some crazy reason the courts look down on us and up at her. They place mothers on this pedastool, and quite frankly I am sick of it. I am personally sick of the lies and accusations of abuse. I am tired of his ex constantly trying to push herself into our household.
The rest of her post is referenced as images.
All in all, these evil women are lurking everywhere. I feel sorry for every child who has to be raised by a mother such as these ones. I do know that one day my husband's children will see the truth. We do not have to say the truth at all. The children will be able to see the truth in our actions, refusal to speak negative words about their mother in front of them, and refusal to have adult conversations with them. We also do not lie or make up stories.
One thing their mother has not realized yet is that everything she files with the courts is public record. The children will have the ability to download every document. They will become adults. They will have the ability to make their own decisions regarding their father and stepmother.
Everyone who is going through a similar story, love your husband. Be his support. If you feel lost and defeated, don't. Just know, you are not alone!!! Don't give up! You are worth something! Do not, for any reason, let the negativity affect you. Look and seek out the positives in life. Smile and cherish every moment you are alive!
REMINDER: Your child is watching YOU! Set the example of what happiness looks like in the face of adversity!
TO MY HUSBAND: You are worth it and I love you!
I initially saw the picture of this woman's husband, naked, and sitting in the shower. I had to double take to really understand why there was a naked man in my feed, and then figure out who posted this. The post was shared from The Father's Rights Movement. An amazing cause that is here to help fathers get rights to their children. They are helping change the courts view of fathers during custody battles.
Which brought me to reading this woman's post. It made my stomach churn. Her husband is not the only man who has cried and felt completely broken or defeated by the Superior Court system. I have watched my husband struggle with blood, sweat, and tears throughout this now 4 year long battle.
This is my Husband. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. They say innocent until proven guilty. They say it will be ok. They say don't give up, things will get better. They say trust us we will protect you and defend you. They say you have done nothing wrong and we'll make sure you name will be cleared...
But yet here we are. A wife who has no idea what to do or to say, who has to watch this happen, who has to watch him suffer and sit in the shower like this day in and day out.
For those of you who don't know my husband has been fighting for 14months just to see his daughter. This past 14months have been some of the worst in my husband's and my life. it has honestly been one shit fight after another. Facts and truths clouded by lies and misjudgments. By false allegations and any other bullshit the "concerned" mother of his child saw fit to use against him. All of this is to make him suffer. "Why would she want to do this?" You ask.. because she is jealous. Because she wanted he to go back to her. She wanted to be able to continue to milk everything she possibly could from him including money, accommodation, transport, children, ect. But NO. He moved on and is happy, so she got nasty.
This is where I can relate. My husband's ex is very jealous. I don't want to act like I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I am everything she wish she was. Yes, I am married to an amazing man. One who wouldn't tolerate her verbal abuse any longer so he left her. She is so bitter, ugly, and nasty, that she drags us to court over petty crap. Crap that can and SHOULD be resolved between parents to have effective co-parenting relationships. She refuses because she wants him to pay, she wants my husband to pay for her "hurt". The "hurt" she inflicted on herself.
WHY IS THIS OK? Why is it ok that this gentle giant now has to suffer until his child is old enough to make her own decisions and judgments? Why is it ok for his entire past, present and future to be dragged through this for no actual reason than to try and use his insecurities and difficult family against him? Why is it ok for him to have to pay $$$$$$ for lawyers, fees, expert reports, independent supervisors ect but she receives everything through aid? Why is it ok for him to have NO say in his own child's life? Why is it ok for him not to be allowed to be alone with his child? Why is it ok he can't seek any counseling, medical treatment or any other sort of service to help him and us without the fear of it being used against him?
In our case, my husband has residential time with his children. He has decision making ability, yet the mother does not consult with him prior to decisions being made. She likes to really live up the "single mother" motto. Except, she is not a single mother. She is a single woman. Those kids have their father, yet are being alienated by her own selfishness. They have been convinced to hate their step-mother.
We have paid a ridiculous amount in attorney's fees. We struggle to provide food for the children we have in common due to his obnoxious support amount and attorney's fees. She gets offended when we say we are struggling, because she is so money hungry she cannot see the damage her greed is causing. It has caused my husband to seek less time with his children to help lower the conflict and to allow him the time he needs to pick up overtime shifts to help provide for our household and of course support her and her children.
I wouldn't be surprised if his ex was on state assistance. She has committed fraud multiple times. If it comes to having money in her pocket, this woman will go to great lengths to accomplish this.
What's so so sad about my husband's ex, is that she cannot perceve her actions as being detrimental to anyone. She truely believes she is a gift from the man upstairs. Money is also not the key to anything. She can take every cent we have. She can push us into foreclosure, but she will not break us! She will not cause us to divorce. What she has done, and I am very thankful for, is that she has taught me that being with the ones you love is 10x more important than monetary things. I have learned to be strong. I have learned to be a better wife and mother. So I actually thank her.
Seriously (excuse the language) but WHAT THE [REMOVED]?!!!.
It's bad enough that his parents showed their true colours last year and told him to [removed] off because he didn't fit in their perfect little box (and neither should he have to I might add) but now he may have lost his daughter.
My husband's family and my family just don't understand. I'll leave it at that. No one really understands unless they have experienced it.
This just proved that no matter how hard you fight, how hard you cry, how honest you are, how much money you have and how much you love your children, there will always be someone ready to take it all away from you just because they can.
He is not a criminal. He has no previous history of anything violent or abuse related. He is not hiding anything besides his years because I know he is trying to be strong. How much more of our life can they tear apart, examine and take away before they realize we aren't monsters. We aren't bad people and we sure as hell aren't criminals.
But that's ok because the system, lawyers and others seems to believe that even after all investigations have been completed and they have exhausted all other options for trying to pin him for something he didn't do, they can make their own rules and still use the allegations against him because the mother has "concerns".
Not one person at that meeting yesterday asked us how we were feeling. Not one person asked us how this was affecting us or gave us any sort of support. Not one person stood up for us or defended us. Not even out own representative. I don't know why but that's exactly what happened.
My husband and I are not criminals either. We are very good people. We volunteer, we are college graduates, and we continue to strive for greatness. But for some crazy reason the courts look down on us and up at her. They place mothers on this pedastool, and quite frankly I am sick of it. I am personally sick of the lies and accusations of abuse. I am tired of his ex constantly trying to push herself into our household.
The rest of her post is referenced as images.
All in all, these evil women are lurking everywhere. I feel sorry for every child who has to be raised by a mother such as these ones. I do know that one day my husband's children will see the truth. We do not have to say the truth at all. The children will be able to see the truth in our actions, refusal to speak negative words about their mother in front of them, and refusal to have adult conversations with them. We also do not lie or make up stories.
One thing their mother has not realized yet is that everything she files with the courts is public record. The children will have the ability to download every document. They will become adults. They will have the ability to make their own decisions regarding their father and stepmother.
Everyone who is going through a similar story, love your husband. Be his support. If you feel lost and defeated, don't. Just know, you are not alone!!! Don't give up! You are worth something! Do not, for any reason, let the negativity affect you. Look and seek out the positives in life. Smile and cherish every moment you are alive!
REMINDER: Your child is watching YOU! Set the example of what happiness looks like in the face of adversity!
TO MY HUSBAND: You are worth it and I love you!
Sunday, May 15, 2016
My Beginning: "The Home Wrecker"
My beginning is probably very similar or could possibly be vastly different than many other step- mothers. I'll start with the usual how I met my husband.
I was young, going through baby drama. I felt helpless. I was the stereotypical "single mother" with a child out of "wedlock". My mother and grandparents are strong Catholics. Well, my mother attests to being a Catholic, but I have not seen her practice Catholism in many many years. Anyways, my husband was essentially my knight in shinning armor that every little girl dreams of marrying. He helped pick me up and find my direction. Though, lets back up a bit.
During this time however, I was secretly crushing on him. I had been for years, but never had the courage to confront him. Why? Well, because he was married, and I am not a "home wrecker". However, I am a believer in soul mates. I believe there is one person in this world for everyone. You just have to have patience and confidence in yourself.
My confidence was, I had a great job, I was providing for myself and my child. I was doing all of this on my own. Everything I was told I would never be able to accomplish, I was. I felt as though I was on top of the world.
My husband and I clicked when he helped me through the drama with my ex. I never in a million years would have ever thought this man I secretly had a crush on, who was successful, would ever be crushing back. Boy was I wrong!
The successful man I saw on the outside, was emotionally battered on the inside. He was hurting he was emotionally and psychologically abused. It still and always will be shocking to me. I have always pictured men to be strong and incapable of being put down. Come to find out men hurt just as much as women hurt. Many can give the appearance of "nothing is wrong." When in-fact their whole world is nothing but chaos.
The night he was honest with me, was a night I will never forget. He told me he had been interested in me for awhile, but like I had said previously he was a lawfully married and a morally committed man. This was one of the first times I have ever seen a grown man cry. He was scared. Scared of who you may ask? Yes, scared of his wife.
Our friendship instantly took a turn. I immediately set the roadblock for "I am not a mistress" and "I will not date a married man". He understood. Though, I felt I needed to help him. He was indeed a friend of mine. I could see he was lost and needed someone to listen and just tell him he is worth a damn. I am not going to tell his story of how he met his wife or the circumstances behind why he married her, or even why he chose to have children with her. All of that is irrelevant to my beginning.
However, I could see he was trapped. I could see why he did what he did. I understand this because I felt the same way with my previous relationship. I was put down and told repeatedly I wasn't good enough. I was scared I was going to be beaten, my child would be taken away from me, or worse wide up dead. I was terrified of this person. That person had control over me. He had control over me for many years after.
For my husband, he was scared to leave because he was fearful he would lose his children. He was scared he would lose his career. Most importantly he was scared what she was capable of doing. Which, she has shown many times since then what exactly she is capable of doing or have others do on her behalf.
Moving forward, my mother referred him an attorney. We both told him he needed to make this decision without outside influences. He knew he was in an unhealthy relationship, he knew. All he needed was the certification that he was not crazy or alone. At this point I had become his support, his rock, his go-to person to vent. He spoke with an attorney and after about a week, he made the final decision to file for divorce.
I want to make it known he had already moved out prior to this decision. He had already discussed with her he was through with the relationship and he deserved to be treated better. Within a day, he received paperwork from his now ex-wife. How dare he leave her! She just had to file first. This began the never ending court battle. The never ending string of untruths, which all (of course) began with me. *rolling eyes*
This is where our beginning starts. This is were the most evil of all evils show their true colors. Divorces are nasty, some are quite peaceful.Yet those spouses who have inner toxins eating at them from their past, are not the greatest to go through a divorce with. I am child of divorced parents. I am a child of a mother who divorced five times. I have seen divorce, many times and all in different ways.
Looking back now, I completely understand why he was terrified of her. I have grown to be scared of this woman as well! Did we meet under the best circumstances? No. Was this good timing? No. However, we have grown to be each other's best-friend. I believe he was put on this Earth for me. He continues to make me a better person, as I know I do for him. It has taken months for him to grieve, re-build who he is, and above all else; trust.
I have been labeled as an "adulterer", "the mistress", "ass-[name]", "c**t", "whore", ect. I have been told I "stole" my husband away and I am a "home wrecker". All names I used to take so personally because it hurt! Yes, these names hurt!
The old elementary saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" I would laugh at. Those words were eating at me. I wanted to scream to the world how wrong these people were! Why? Because I knew the truth and I wanted everyone else to know the truth! I knew I wasn't any of those awful names. I knew I was better and I knew I was sincerely helping a friend in need.
I was young, going through baby drama. I felt helpless. I was the stereotypical "single mother" with a child out of "wedlock". My mother and grandparents are strong Catholics. Well, my mother attests to being a Catholic, but I have not seen her practice Catholism in many many years. Anyways, my husband was essentially my knight in shinning armor that every little girl dreams of marrying. He helped pick me up and find my direction. Though, lets back up a bit.
During this time however, I was secretly crushing on him. I had been for years, but never had the courage to confront him. Why? Well, because he was married, and I am not a "home wrecker". However, I am a believer in soul mates. I believe there is one person in this world for everyone. You just have to have patience and confidence in yourself.
My confidence was, I had a great job, I was providing for myself and my child. I was doing all of this on my own. Everything I was told I would never be able to accomplish, I was. I felt as though I was on top of the world.
My husband and I clicked when he helped me through the drama with my ex. I never in a million years would have ever thought this man I secretly had a crush on, who was successful, would ever be crushing back. Boy was I wrong!
The successful man I saw on the outside, was emotionally battered on the inside. He was hurting he was emotionally and psychologically abused. It still and always will be shocking to me. I have always pictured men to be strong and incapable of being put down. Come to find out men hurt just as much as women hurt. Many can give the appearance of "nothing is wrong." When in-fact their whole world is nothing but chaos.
The night he was honest with me, was a night I will never forget. He told me he had been interested in me for awhile, but like I had said previously he was a lawfully married and a morally committed man. This was one of the first times I have ever seen a grown man cry. He was scared. Scared of who you may ask? Yes, scared of his wife.
Our friendship instantly took a turn. I immediately set the roadblock for "I am not a mistress" and "I will not date a married man". He understood. Though, I felt I needed to help him. He was indeed a friend of mine. I could see he was lost and needed someone to listen and just tell him he is worth a damn. I am not going to tell his story of how he met his wife or the circumstances behind why he married her, or even why he chose to have children with her. All of that is irrelevant to my beginning.
However, I could see he was trapped. I could see why he did what he did. I understand this because I felt the same way with my previous relationship. I was put down and told repeatedly I wasn't good enough. I was scared I was going to be beaten, my child would be taken away from me, or worse wide up dead. I was terrified of this person. That person had control over me. He had control over me for many years after.
For my husband, he was scared to leave because he was fearful he would lose his children. He was scared he would lose his career. Most importantly he was scared what she was capable of doing. Which, she has shown many times since then what exactly she is capable of doing or have others do on her behalf.
Moving forward, my mother referred him an attorney. We both told him he needed to make this decision without outside influences. He knew he was in an unhealthy relationship, he knew. All he needed was the certification that he was not crazy or alone. At this point I had become his support, his rock, his go-to person to vent. He spoke with an attorney and after about a week, he made the final decision to file for divorce.
I want to make it known he had already moved out prior to this decision. He had already discussed with her he was through with the relationship and he deserved to be treated better. Within a day, he received paperwork from his now ex-wife. How dare he leave her! She just had to file first. This began the never ending court battle. The never ending string of untruths, which all (of course) began with me. *rolling eyes*
This is where our beginning starts. This is were the most evil of all evils show their true colors. Divorces are nasty, some are quite peaceful.Yet those spouses who have inner toxins eating at them from their past, are not the greatest to go through a divorce with. I am child of divorced parents. I am a child of a mother who divorced five times. I have seen divorce, many times and all in different ways.
Looking back now, I completely understand why he was terrified of her. I have grown to be scared of this woman as well! Did we meet under the best circumstances? No. Was this good timing? No. However, we have grown to be each other's best-friend. I believe he was put on this Earth for me. He continues to make me a better person, as I know I do for him. It has taken months for him to grieve, re-build who he is, and above all else; trust.
I have been labeled as an "adulterer", "the mistress", "ass-[name]", "c**t", "whore", ect. I have been told I "stole" my husband away and I am a "home wrecker". All names I used to take so personally because it hurt! Yes, these names hurt!
The old elementary saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" I would laugh at. Those words were eating at me. I wanted to scream to the world how wrong these people were! Why? Because I knew the truth and I wanted everyone else to know the truth! I knew I wasn't any of those awful names. I knew I was better and I knew I was sincerely helping a friend in need.
I have asked myself time and time again, "Wouldn't anyone help someone who was being abused?" My answer has always been "yes". Many people jump up and down over children and women being in an abusive relationship, but the minute a man is in one, the tables turn. I'll save that rant for another blog post.
Anyways, I know I am none of these things. It has taken me some time to just ignore the chatter. I know I am successful. I know my morals are good and I know my intentions were good. Did I know I was going to meet the love of my life during this time? I sure didn't, but I am extremely thankful I did!!
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy: Are There Factitious Illnesses in Children?
This was a term paper I wrote for one of my college classes. I chose this topic to research and report on because I fully believe my SK's BM is suffering from this with my SS' interesting diagnosis of asthma. His diagnosis was days before we were to take my SS on a family vacation. BM did not like this idea, so we fully believe she made him ill to prevent him from going with us. We believe she has continued to make him ill, to the point of hospitalization to get attention (even negative) from my husband. When medical bills were pilling up due to the amount of appointments BM was taking my SKs to, we made the decision to switch insurance providers to a $0.00 copay. This eliminated copay drama/conflict. As soon as this happened, my SS was magically cured and no longer needed asthma medication. This only further adds to our suspicion of MSBP.
It is a very difficult condition to prove, but my SS's pulminologist is beginning to see the signs. This last consultation with my husband he discussed the possibility of MSBP. Although this is reported as a "rare" condition, I fully believe it is under reported due to the difficulty in proving the condition. I believe there should be more research on MSBP along with the underlying factors, such as a mental health condition of the parent, usually the mother.
This paper was written by a college student for their undergraduate degree. Please do not plagiarize.
Abstract
Munchausen Syndrome is a disorder that is
displayed in adults. The adult fabricates illnesses about themselves to fulfill
their need for attention. Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy is an under recognized
type of abuse to a child. The perpetrator is an adult, usually the mother, who
fakes or fabricates illnesses in her children. The fictitious illnesses are
frequent and usually cause the child to undergo painful procedures or be
prescribed unnecessary medication. There is a link between personality and
other mental disorders with the mother and the development of Munchausen
Syndrome in the victim children later in life.
Key
words: Munchausen Syndrome, Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, Child
Abuse, factitious disorder
Factitious
Illnesses in Children
Munchausen Syndrome (MS) is a
disorder presumably displayed in adults. The adult self-inflicts injuries and
fabricates their own illnesses or symptoms in order to gain the attention and
treatment from medical facilities and staff (Murray, 1997, p. 343). Munchausen
Syndrome by Proxy (MSbP) is a disorder and a form of child abuse caused by an
adult, the majority of the time the mother. The mother reports false symptoms
or induces illnesses in her child to seek medical attention (Murray, 1997, p.
343). The Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) refers this disorder as a factious disorder
(Criddle, 2010; Stirling, 2007). The American Professional Society on the Abuse
of Children defines MSbP as pediatric condition falsification for the victim
child and factitious disorder by proxy for the perpetrator (Criddle, 2010, p.
47).
Although Munchausen Syndrome by
Proxy is considered rare and extremely hard to diagnose, many medical
practitioners are becoming more aware of the warning signs. Herbert Schreier,
MD and Judith Libow, PhD (1993) surveyed pediatric neurologists and pediatric
gastroenterologists who reported over 400 cases of the syndrome (p. 319). Over
fifty percent were confirmed cases and the rest they highly suspected the
syndrome (Schreier & Libow, 1993, p. 319). Schreier and Libow’s (1993)
survey indicated that there is a significant amount of Munchausen Syndrome by
Proxy cases and portrayed the possibility they are being misdiagnosed or not
diagnosed at all (p. 319). It is the possibility that medical providers are not
as aware of the syndrome, so are less likely to report abuse (Schreier &
Libow, 1993, p. 319).
Given the nature of this
disorder, it can range from minor cases where a mother only exaggerated the
child’s symptoms or the syndrome can be much more severe, even fatal if
undetected, where the mother induces signs and symptoms in the child (Stirling,
2007, p. 1027). Due to the high mortality and morbidity rates have confirmed
and suspected cases, it is critical for medical staff to have knowledge and
know when it is appropriate to report a case to their child protective service
agency (McGuire & Feldman, 2001; Kahan & Yorker, 1991; Stirling, 2007).
Case
Example
Tona McGuire, PhD and Kenneth
Feldman, MD (1989) report the psychological morbidity of children who have been
the victims of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in the following case (p. 289):
A
documented case reports a 3-year-old female who was having unmanageable
vomiting since she was an infant. She was hospitalized on multiple occasions
and eventually IV hyperalimentation was ordered, yet no organic causes for her
illness were diagnosed. The mother had reported frequent vomiting and on one
occasion the child had vomited blood. The medical staff later discovered that
the child’s IV line was tampered with. It was documented that the child’s
symptoms increased only when the mother was present and resolved when she
wasn’t. The mother was seen as an attentive mother and staff members were
sympathetic towards her. Eventually the staff referred the case to Child
Protective Services. The toddler’s symptoms decreased at the birth of her
younger brother. The infant was admitted to the hospital shortly after birth
for lethargy and bloody gastroenteritis. He too required IV hyperalimentation.
The mother’s emotions would range from excited to angry as her child became
ill. The test results and drug screens came back negative, but the infant would
make significant progress towards recovery in the mother’s absence. When the
mother was present the infant would relapse. The case was referred to Child
Protective Services. The infant was allowed to return back home with the mother
for lack of proof. The infant was hospitalized on many more occasions for blood
in his stool until his toddler years (McGuire & Feldman, 2001, p. 290).
History
of the Syndrome
In 1951, a British physician,
Richard Asher, discovered Munchausen Syndrome (Murray, 1997; Criddle, 2010).
The syndrome was named after an 18th century politician by the name
of Baron Von Munchausen. Baron Von Munchausen was well known for his tall tails
of his travels and military experiences (Kahan & Yorker, 1991; Castiglia,
1995). In 1786, Rudolph Eric Raspe wrote and published Baron Von Munchausen’s
stories into children’s books called, The
Amazing Travels and Adventures of Baron Von Munchausen (Kahan & Yorker,
1991; Criddle, 2010). The patients who were diagnosed with Munchausen Syndrome
were known to tell lies like the characters in all of the Munchausen stories
(Kahan & Yorker, 1991, p. 76). This syndrome was then recognized as
Munchausen Syndrome.
In 1977, a British pediatrician
and professor, Roy Meadow, later discovered Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy after
finding that many of his patients’ mothers had fabricated lies about the
child’s symptoms or purposely poisoned their children (Kahan & Yorker, 1991;
Castiglia, 1995). It has been of great speculation that Baron Von Munchausen’s
own child died of unknown causes (Libow & Shreier, 1986, p. 603).
Diagnosis,
Signs, and Symptoms
MSbP
does not have a sequence of events and is very hard for physicians to
detect. Medical providers need to be
conscious of this disorder when determining what is medically necessary and
appropriate for the child. Do the medical history, signs, and symptoms make
sense? (Stirling, 2007, p. 1027). Is the treatment the child receiving harming
him or her or is it going to potentially become harmful? (Stirling, 2007, p.
1027). The most crucial factor medical providers need to consider is who is
instigating the treatments (Stirling, 2007, p. 1027).
The
most commonly reported signs and symptoms of the most severe include the
central nervous system, such as seizures (Criddle, 2010, p. 49). Other MSbP
patients have reported bleeding, apnea, diarrhea, vomiting, fever, rash,
allergies, and asthma (Criddle, 2010, p. 49). All of which, are hard symptoms
to disprove a caregiver of reporting. The child could be having unexplained,
recurrent symptoms even when under the proper medical care. The symptoms could
also flare up, but only in the presence of the caregiver. The child is
repeatedly hospitalized and enduring extensive medical examinations (Castiglia,
1995, p. 80).
The
caregiver has a previous nursing or medical career background, or is very
proficient in medical terminology and procedures (Castiglia, 1995, p. 80). In
some cases, the mother appears to be overprotective. The mother may claim the
same history of illness that she is reporting with the child (Castiglia, 1995,
p. 80). The mother may even be pushing
for more tests to be completed (Castiglia, 1995, p. 80).
The caregiver is used in making
the determination of the diagnosis and report of child abuse in a medical
setting. When the signs and symptoms are near undetectable, fabricated, or
induced the medical provider still needs to make the determination if the child
is being harmed or is potentially at risk to be harmed (Stirling, 2007, p.
1028). When a medical provider suspects MSbP, they should consult with other
professionals to gather information and observe the child and caregiver by
using covert videotape surveillance (CVS) (Striling, 2007, p. 1028). The use of
CVS can confirm the suspicion of abuse by monitoring the caregiver when with
the child. This helps determine if the reported symptoms are exaggerated or
induced (Striling, 2007, p. 1028). If this disorder is left undiagnosed, the
medical professional, a mandated reporter, leaves the chance for the child’s
induced illness to result in death.
Commonly
Induced or Fabricated Illnesses
There
are many documented illnesses that caregivers have induced or fabricated. The
illnesses specifically fall into four major categories, which include
poisoning, bleeding, infections, and injuries (Criddle, 2010, p. 48).
The different poisons include,
but are not limited to: ipecac, salt, insulin, laxatives, lorazapam,
corrosives, and clonidine (Criddle, 2010, p. 48). Injecting insulin can cause a
non-diabetic child to have hyperinsulinemic hypoglycemia (Criddle, 2010, p.
48). Epecac is a liquid that can induce severe emesis if given too much, just
the same as laxatives can induce severe diarrhea if given too much. Both can
cause dehydration.
A caregiver can induce
hematuria, gastrointestinal bleeding, and bruising by using many different
methods (Criddle, 2010, p. 48). One in particular is the caregiver placing
their blood into a specimen jar with the child’s urine or in a soiled diaper.
Infections where a caregiver
reports their child was running a fever are hard to disprove (Criddle, 2010, p.
48). Some induced methods that cause infections include: applying fecal matter
to an open wound, injecting urine into the child, rubbing dirt into orthopedic
pin sites, or rubbing saliva or fecal matter into IV catheters (Criddle, 2010,
p. 48).
Injuries caused by an MSbP caregiver
are not the common injuries that are found in physical abuse cases. They are
more common in regards to child maltreatment (Criddle, 2010, p. 48). Injuries
suffered by the victims include: non-healing wounds, recurrent conjunctivitis,
fractures that never heal, and osteomyelitis (Criddle, 2010, p. 48). One common
injury is apnea. The child is suffocated to the point that they stop breathing
and usually in this instance, the caregiver attempts to revive the child.
The methods picked to induce an
illness are dependent upon the disease severity. In the mildest form a
caregiver fabricates the illness, claiming the child experienced symptoms of
apnea (Criddle, 2010, p. 48). The syndrome in a moderate form would consist of
falsifying medical records or tampering with medical specimens (Criddle, 2010,
p. 48). The most severe form is when the caregiver begins inducing the symptoms
in the child, which include diarrhea or seizures (Criddle, 2010, p. 48).
Due to the signs and symptoms
being very subtle, it could take years for a proper diagnosis. The delay in diagnosing
MSbP causes irrefutable harm to the child’s psychological wellbeing (Criddle,
2010, p. 49). In most cases, the child is between infancy and 5 years of life,
but in some cases MSbP can continue into a child’s adolescence years (Criddle,
2010, p. 49). The older child could be coerced into providing medical personnel
with factitious symptoms. The child craves attention, and this could be the way
he or she has learned to gain positive maternal attention (Criddle, 2010, p.
49). It has been documented that most child victims come to abuse their
children later in life or develop Munchausen Syndrome (Criddle, 2010, p. 49).
Perpetrators
A
physical child abuser’s motivations are usually out of frustration or anger.
They will release their frustration out by kicking or hitting the child. Laura
Criddle, PhD, (2010) references that an MSbP perpetrator’s motivations are
significantly different and subtle (p. 49). The mother goes to great lengths to
satisfy her social and emotional needs, even though it is emotionally and
physically traumatizing her child (Criddle, 2010, p. 49). Libow and Schreier
(1986) place the perpetrators into three different categories: help seekers,
active inducers, and doctor addicts (p. 604).
A
child whose mother is a help seeker is more likely to have infrequent
hospitalizations or only have one factitious illness (Libow & Schreier,
1986, p. 605). The mother is only seeking out her needs through the medical
community. Once she is confronted, it gives her the opportunity to communicate
her problems that exist; marital discord, domestic violence, stress, or anxiety
(Libow & Schreier, 1986, p. 605). She is not as likely to flee when
approached by child protective services. She is more likely to feel relief and
be more willing to cooperate with treatment (Libow & Schreier, 1986, p.
605).
The
active inducers are the most common of the MSbP cases (Libow & Schreier,
1986, p. 606). The parent actively induces symptoms and illnesses in their
child. These mothers are described as trustworthy, loving, concerned, and
cooperative (Libow & Schreier, 1986, p. 606). This mother is more likely to
flee when suspected of MSbP and often refuse to cooperate with treatment,
unless a court has ordered treatment on the condition of home placement of the
child (Libow & Schreier, 1986, p. 606). Libow and Schreier (1986) describe
this type of mother as anxious, depressed, in an extreme state of denial,
dissociative, controlling, and paranoid projection (p. 606).
The
last and most severe type of perpetrator along side the active inducer is the
doctor addict. This mother is obsessed with obtaining medical treatment for her
child (Libow & Schreier, 1986, p. 606). This mother believes that her child
is ill, even though diagnostic test results show otherwise (Libow &
Schreier, 1986, p. 607). These mothers are seen more as paranoid, angry, and
distrustful to a medical professional (Libow & Schreier, 1986, p. 607).
Libow and Schreier (1986) describe this mother as having an over attached,
symbiotic relationship with her child (p. 607). This mother is more likely to
flee and not be cooperative with treatment (Libow & Schreier, 1986, p.
607).
When
the victim child dies or becomes too old a mother will move onto a sibling
(Criddle, 2010, p. 50). The mother usually is very good at manipulation and
deception, that when a family member or friend catches her, they will insist
that she was not abusing the child and was wrongly accused (Criddle, 2010, p.
50). Kahan and Yorker (1991) document that the perpetrator has been
psychiatrically diagnosed with either hysteria, sociopathy, narcissism, or
borderline personality disorder (p. 78).
Treatment
There
is no cure for MSbP besides completely separating the mother from the child
(Criddle, 2010, p. 53). This protects the child and will help confirm MSbP. The
child should have a drastic change in symptoms and improve (Criddle, 2010, p.
53). Family therapy is an option to help the mother with her mental disorders.
John Stirling (2007) makes reference to utilizing a third party outside of the
medical field to report true symptoms of the child when in the care of the
mother (p. 1029).
Involving child protective
services in placement of the child or third party decision making is yet
another option but does not completely solve the underlying problems (Stirling,
2007, p. 1029). Placing the child in foster care and prosecuting the mother
will stop the current abuse and prevent any further attempts (Stirling, 2007,
p. 1029).
Discussion
Munchausen
Syndrome by Proxy, pediatric condition falsification, or factitious disorder by
proxy are all a very serious form of child abuse. MSbP has a high rate of
mortality, morbidity, and recidivism (Criddle, 2010, p. 54). The mother is
known to be extremely deceitful and manipulative. She seeks out the attention
of medical professionals and their staff to feed their obsession. The mother plays
on the emotions of others to coerce them into potentially harmful or
unnecessary treatment of her child (Criddle, 2010, p. 54). All medical
professionals and their staff should consider MSbP when presented with an
unusual case or a case where the child only experiences symptoms or reports of
symptoms when in the care of the perpetrator (Criddle, 2010, p. 54). If a
physician suspects MSbP, they should seek to involve all medical personnel that
have treated the child. The perpetrator more often then not, may seek out
medical attention from multiple professionals until she receives the diagnosis
she wants (Stirling, 2007, p. 1029). In the most severe cases, law enforcement
and child protective services agencies should be contacted to help protect the
child and ensure his or her safety away from the perpetrator (Stirling, 2007,
p. 1029). If the diagnosis is immediate, there is the chance that mental health
professionals can use effective behavioral health therapy to help reverse the
psychological damage to the victim child (Stirling, 2007, p. 1029).
References
Castiglia, P. (1995). Munchausen
Syndrome by Proxy. Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 9(2), 79-80.
Criddle, PhD, L. (2010). Monsters in
the Closet: Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Critical Care Nurse, 30(6),
46-55.
Kahan, MD, B., & Cofts Yorker,
RN, JD, B. (1991). Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy: Clinical Review and Legal
Issues. Behavioral Sciences and the Law, 9, 73-83.
Libow, PhD, J., & Schreier, MD,
H. (1986). Three Forms of Factitious Illness in Children: When is it Munchausen
Syndrome by Proxy? American Orthosychiatric Association, 56(4),
602-611.
McGuire, PhD, T., & Feldman, MD,
K. (1989). Psychologic Morbidity of Children Subjected to Munchausen Syndrome
by Proxy. Pediatrics, 83(2), 289-292.
Murray, J. (1997). Munchausen
Syndrome/Munchausen Syndrom by Proxy. The Journal of Psychology, 131(3),
343-352.
Schreier, MD, H., & Libow, PhD,
J. (1993). Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy: Diagnosis and Prevalence. American
Orthopsychiatry Association, 63(2), 73-83.
Stirling, MD, J. (2007). Beyond
Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy: Identification and Treatment of Child Abuse in a
Medical Setting. Pediatrics, 119, 1026-1030.
The Introduction
It has taken me some time to decide whether or not to start blogging about my life. I was scared to share my story as there is quite a bit of drama surrounding it. I have searched for step-moms and groups on Facebook and Twitter. I read story after story regarding the same issues I am dealing with. I have turned to my textbooks for my classes, and reading books to help seek encouragement and advice.
The more I learn and try to better myself and my situation, it is shot down by one person. I keep my feelings bottled up, and sometimes lash out on my husband. The one person I am supposed to be supporting through this "quest". It has gotten to the point where I cannot and will not hold my story in anymore. I want to connect with other step-mothers or fathers who are experiencing the same.
I have heard time and time again, "It takes a village to raise a child." I believe this to be true even when it comes to step-parenting. This is one of the hardest experiences
I have ever gone through.
Now, I am here to share my story about my step-mother experience.
The more I learn and try to better myself and my situation, it is shot down by one person. I keep my feelings bottled up, and sometimes lash out on my husband. The one person I am supposed to be supporting through this "quest". It has gotten to the point where I cannot and will not hold my story in anymore. I want to connect with other step-mothers or fathers who are experiencing the same.
I have ever gone through.
Now, I am here to share my story about my step-mother experience.
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